Friday, April 17, 2015

Feelings

There are a lot of things that are ironic in this world. There is irony in some deaths, like the guy that wanted to introduce camels to Australia and ended up getting killed by one. There is irony in literature, like in Harry Potter when Snape, the man everyone thought had the least capacity to love acted that way because he loved too much.

I believe that the greatest irony is the irony we find in our everyday lives. For me, it happened tonight… Well I guess yesterday now. Yesterday, at Relay for Life, I realized just how much I need to change my life. Relay for Life is a fight for a cure for cancer, for those of you who are unfamiliar with it.

It’s funny how participating in certain events has the ability to make you feel things you didn’t know you could feel.

I feel a hope for our future that I didn’t have before. People that I would never have believed were capable of participating in this type of event, the people that I have secretly judged from afar joined together to make this event successful. For one night, we weren’t black and white, we weren’t Greek and not Greek, we weren’t engineers, psychologists, and teachers. For one night we were united in the fight against cancer. It’s a beautiful thing.

I feel inspired by the things I heard from the survivors. I don’t mean I’m inspired in the “at least I’m not them” kind of way. I mean inspired in the “I see what they do and it amazes me” way. They have the ability to share their stories and motivate people to find a cure. They have experienced true horrors, yet they approach everyday with optimism. I don’t know where it comes from. I have never suffered anything like them and I have trouble waking up every morning. They make me want to be better, to do better things. It is amazing to me that they are willing to share their experiences with a group of strangers. I aspire to feel optimism like what they project. I aspire to feel motivated in the same way that they motivate other.

I felt a lot of things last night, but most importantly I didn’t feel things that I thought I should feel. It worries me that while I sit here, writing this that my words might be true, because I so desperately want them to be wrong.

Last night, I watched one of my friends bare his heart to an entire gym full of students. I watched my friend talk about the things he’s seen while getting chemotherapy. He talked about the people he lost to cancer. He talked about the impact his cancer has had on his family. I heard him say all of these things, but while my friends cried, I did nothing.

Last night, when we were having the luminary ceremony where all of the lights are turned off and everyone remembers loved ones lost to cancer, or friends fighting it now. I felt things I didn’t know existed. They bubbled in my chest, fighting desperately to get out. But they couldn’t. it made me feel… not human, to be able to stand there while my peers cried, while my friend that spoke about before couldn’t hold in his tears, while everyone is feeling these feelings and while I am feeling these feelings, but I couldn’t bring myself to express them.

I wanted to cry, so badly. I wanted to cry for babies with brain tumors and five year old funerals and mothers who don’t know if their son is going to make it. I wanted to cry for all of the people that have suffered because cancer loves people too much. I wanted to cry for all of the people that have died from, suffered because of, or overcome cancer. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t.

That makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I don’t have to pretend to want a cure for cancer, I truly want that. I don’t have to pretend to express compassion, I naturally feel that. But I cannot bring myself to share in the sorrows of others.

Even now, while I’m feeling all of these feelings, I am still worrying about whether the guy I like likes me back – it’s petty I know. It’s not as if I don’t have enough things to think about, but like any hormonal woman, boys are one of the first things I think of.

This particular boy is everything you look for in a guy. He’s sweet, funny, cute, and smart. He was also the survivor speaker at Relay for Life. I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere in the past year, I fell for him. Maybe it was our Friendly’s dinner, or the pancakes we got for breakfast when we were both sleep deprived, but something changed. I didn’t want it to.

Last week, we attended a different Relay for Life at another university. During the luminary ceremony there, for a brief moment I imagined what my life would be like if he weren’t there and I realized how much I want him to be in my life. That was the moment I discovered my feelings, but feelings like that don’t just happen in a second. They slowly build up.

The last thing I needed with the busy year I’ve had is boy drama, but it found me. Or maybe I found it. I’m not really sure. Like I said, I didn’t really have much time for boys, so I managed to ward off my feelings for an entire semester. Lately though, it’s threatened to overwhelm me. It’s hard to see him and feel these things and not even know if he likes me as a friend, much less likes me as more. I am sure no one is unfamiliar with unrequited feelings, but I am all too familiar with them. Mostly because before I even have a chance of finding out the truth, I have convinced myself that no one could really like me.

It is petty for me to write this, because I know to an extent, he must like me as a friend. There are times when he will start the conversation. Times when he offers me a hug. Times when I feel like he might be slightly interested in me, but those times are few and far between. Then there are times when I feel like he would rather be anywhere than with me. Times when he seems irritated by my presence. Those are the things that stick with me.

For example, last night he looked uncomfortable when I saw him. I would ask him a question and he would mutter the answer only to himself or he would answer as briefly as possible. Only thirty minutes ago, he approached me while I was writing this. He was smiling and seemed genuinely interested in what I was doing. If that’s not confusing, I don’t know what is.

I wish I could ask him about it, but I’m sure he would deny it. I know I would if someone I didn’t like asked me that question.

I keep hoping that I will magically be able to make sense of these feelings. As if my romantic feelings will suddenly melt away to friendship. It just hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know if this is a realistic notion – probably not, but it gives me hope.

When he brushes me aside, I hope that one day it will not hurt. When he does not laugh at my jokes, or comment on what I saw, I hope that one day it will not hurt.

I also hope that one day I will be able to prioritize. I want to give my all to finding a cure for cancer, but I do not have the knowledge to do so. I want to give my all to walking laps around the gym, but that gave me too much room for thought and I needed to write it all down.

Now, I just want to be normal, whatever that is. I want to feel like someone out there loves me. I want to feel like I am capable of making a difference in this fight against cancer. I want to express the things I feel, but I cannot.


Sometimes I feel like I am a complex puzzle, but that I lost a couple of pieces. I don’t know how to get those back.

Introducing Me

Do you ever feel like you are going to explode because of the thoughts flying through your head? Do you ever feel like your chest is constricting and you’re not sure if you will be able to take another breath because you are so overwhelmed with feelings and emotions. Have you ever felt like the world was moving faster than you and you were doing everything in your power just to keep up with it?

These are things that I constantly struggle with. One thing that helps me when I am feeling these feelings is to write down what is coursing through my head.

I am twenty-two years old, so perhaps this entire blog will seem like the ramblings of a silly girl, but I need to do something or I truly might spontaneously combust.

I was told that college is the place where I would discover myself; however, here I am a mere month from graduation and I haven’t the faintest idea who I am. I went to school for math – a subject I have no intention of pursuing, and secondary education – a field I have no intention of going into. I know what I want to do as a career, but beyond that I have little to no knowledge of who I am.

I constantly struggle with trying to open up to people and I think I’ve finally figured out why. How can you share with someone who you are when you don’t know who that is?

I started this blog with the hope of reflecting on my experiences and who I am. So here goes nothing.