There are a lot of things that are ironic in this world. There
is irony in some deaths, like the guy that wanted to introduce camels to
Australia and ended up getting killed by one. There is irony in literature,
like in Harry Potter when Snape, the man everyone thought had the least
capacity to love acted that way because he loved too much.
I believe that the greatest irony is the irony we find in
our everyday lives. For me, it happened tonight… Well I guess yesterday now. Yesterday,
at Relay for Life, I realized just how much I need to change my life. Relay for
Life is a fight for a cure for cancer, for those of you who are unfamiliar with
it.
It’s funny how participating in certain events has the
ability to make you feel things you didn’t know you could feel.
I feel a hope for our future that I didn’t have before. People
that I would never have believed were capable of participating in this type of
event, the people that I have secretly judged from afar joined together to make
this event successful. For one night, we weren’t black and white, we weren’t
Greek and not Greek, we weren’t engineers, psychologists, and teachers. For one
night we were united in the fight against cancer. It’s a beautiful thing.
I feel inspired by the things I heard from the survivors. I don’t
mean I’m inspired in the “at least I’m not them” kind of way. I mean inspired
in the “I see what they do and it amazes me” way. They have the ability to
share their stories and motivate people to find a cure. They have experienced
true horrors, yet they approach everyday with optimism. I don’t know where it
comes from. I have never suffered anything like them and I have trouble waking
up every morning. They make me want to be better, to do better things. It is
amazing to me that they are willing to share their experiences with a group of
strangers. I aspire to feel optimism like what they project. I aspire to feel
motivated in the same way that they motivate other.
I felt a lot of things last night, but most importantly I didn’t
feel things that I thought I should feel. It worries me that while I sit here,
writing this that my words might be true, because I so desperately want them to
be wrong.
Last night, I watched one of my friends bare his heart to an
entire gym full of students. I watched my friend talk about the things he’s seen
while getting chemotherapy. He talked about the people he lost to cancer. He talked
about the impact his cancer has had on his family. I heard him say all of these
things, but while my friends cried, I did nothing.
Last night, when we were having the luminary ceremony where
all of the lights are turned off and everyone remembers loved ones lost to
cancer, or friends fighting it now. I felt things I didn’t know existed. They bubbled
in my chest, fighting desperately to get out. But they couldn’t. it made me
feel… not human, to be able to stand there while my peers cried, while my
friend that spoke about before couldn’t hold in his tears, while everyone is
feeling these feelings and while I am feeling these feelings, but I couldn’t
bring myself to express them.
I wanted to cry, so badly. I wanted to cry for babies with
brain tumors and five year old funerals and mothers who don’t know if their son
is going to make it. I wanted to cry for all of the people that have suffered
because cancer loves people too much. I wanted to cry for all of the people that
have died from, suffered because of, or overcome cancer. I wanted to cry, but I
couldn’t.
That makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I don’t
have to pretend to want a cure for cancer, I truly want that. I don’t have to
pretend to express compassion, I naturally feel that. But I cannot bring myself
to share in the sorrows of others.
Even now, while I’m feeling all of these feelings, I am
still worrying about whether the guy I like likes me back – it’s petty I know. It’s
not as if I don’t have enough things to think about, but like any hormonal
woman, boys are one of the first things I think of.
This particular boy is everything you look for in a guy. He’s
sweet, funny, cute, and smart. He was also the survivor speaker at Relay for
Life. I’m not sure when it happened, but somewhere in the past year, I fell for
him. Maybe it was our Friendly’s dinner, or the pancakes we got for breakfast
when we were both sleep deprived, but something changed. I didn’t want it to.
Last week, we attended a different Relay for Life at another
university. During the luminary ceremony there, for a brief moment I imagined
what my life would be like if he weren’t there and I realized how much I want
him to be in my life. That was the moment I discovered my feelings, but
feelings like that don’t just happen in a second. They slowly build up.
The last thing I needed with the busy year I’ve had is boy
drama, but it found me. Or maybe I found it. I’m not really sure. Like I said, I
didn’t really have much time for boys, so I managed to ward off my feelings for
an entire semester. Lately though, it’s threatened to overwhelm me. It’s hard
to see him and feel these things and not even know if he likes me as a friend,
much less likes me as more. I am sure no one is unfamiliar with unrequited feelings,
but I am all too familiar with them. Mostly because before I even have a chance
of finding out the truth, I have convinced myself that no one could really like
me.
It is petty for me to write this, because I know to an
extent, he must like me as a friend. There are times when he will start the
conversation. Times when he offers me a hug. Times when I feel like he might be
slightly interested in me, but those times are few and far between. Then there
are times when I feel like he would rather be anywhere than with me. Times when
he seems irritated by my presence. Those are the things that stick with me.
For example, last night he looked uncomfortable when I saw
him. I would ask him a question and he would mutter the answer only to himself
or he would answer as briefly as possible. Only thirty minutes ago, he
approached me while I was writing this. He was smiling and seemed genuinely
interested in what I was doing. If that’s not confusing, I don’t know what is.
I wish I could ask him about it, but I’m sure he would deny
it. I know I would if someone I didn’t like asked me that question.
I keep hoping that I will magically be able to make sense of
these feelings. As if my romantic feelings will suddenly melt away to
friendship. It just hasn’t happened yet. I don’t know if this is a realistic notion
– probably not, but it gives me hope.
When he brushes me aside, I hope that one day it will not
hurt. When he does not laugh at my jokes, or comment on what I saw, I hope that
one day it will not hurt.
I also hope that one day I will be able to prioritize. I want
to give my all to finding a cure for cancer, but I do not have the knowledge to
do so. I want to give my all to walking laps around the gym, but that gave me
too much room for thought and I needed to write it all down.
Now, I just want to be normal, whatever that is. I want to feel
like someone out there loves me. I want to feel like I am capable of making a
difference in this fight against cancer. I want to express the things I feel,
but I cannot.
Sometimes I feel like I am a complex puzzle, but that I lost
a couple of pieces. I don’t know how to get those back.